This is so hilarious! Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop musings as imagined by Vanity Fair.
Do
“Many of you have asked if I have any tips on how to get leggings on quicker. My in-house leggings guru advises rubbing onto your legs a paste made from five spoonfuls of extra-virgin olive oil, turbinado sugar, and coarsely ground fair-trade coffee. If you have any further problems, then next week I’ll be recommending a truly great creative-leggings clinic.”
See
“What is it about books that make them so truly great to read? I think it’s the way the words are printed on every page, the right way up and in just the right order.This means you can start reading on the first page and then continue reading through the middle pages all the way to the last page.
Here are some of my absolute favorite books. War, by Leo Tolstoy. A great read. Bonus: You can get it as part of a two-volume edition which includes Peace by the same great author.”
“Shakespeare, by Shakespeare. He has so many great lines. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” “I am the Walrus.” “My heart will go on.” They’re part of the language.”
Next week, we learn to peel a banana with a world-expert fruit psychologist.
Be
“To be or not to be. That was the question posed by one great man. It’s a tough one. My choice? To be.
I love being. There’s so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, Hey, isn’t it great just being?”
Next week, we learn to make yummy blueberry-and-goat’s-rennet ice cream served with arugula and coconut water.
Get
“Do you sometimes get the feeling you just have too much going on?
At one end of the room the kids are crying out for you to teach them how to make that truly great detox teriyaki salad with miso-nettle dressing. At the other end of the room there’s a new movie script sent to you by the cuddly and awesome director Sam Mendes. And then the phone rings and it’s your supercool friend Madonna Ciccone begging you to step into that favorite old cut-price Balenciaga knee-length dress with your buckle belt and outrageous tartan boots and come with her to the opening of this great new restaurant up on East 54th Street.
Meanwhile, you are desperately trying to get your butt in great shape while nourishing your inner aspect by learning how to fold napkins in a way that will make them more ecologically sustainable.”
Go
Next week, we learn to ride a bicycle with a world-expert bicycle nutritionist.
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hilarious. blogs white people read.
This has absolutely made my afternoon - that and the bag of twisties I just consumed.
it’s all fat free and very good for you !
Hahahahahahahaha!!! Vanity Goop!