The FiFi Report 180

No Reservations… Directed by Scott Hicks
Based on: It makes corned beef hash out of Mostly Martha, the much-loved 2001 German film Genre Rom Com chick flick
Subtitles: it should have
Who: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Aaron Eckhart, Abigail Breslin, Patricia Clarkson
The Plot: The glamourous single girl chef swans around the kitchen in a groovy New York restaurant. Bad things happen; She adopts her niece. Bad things happen; the movie keeps going. She has time off to look after little Miss Sunshine. Handsome chef with designer hairdo appears in her restaurant kitchen. He sings Opera. He shouldn’t . Little Miss Sunshine runs away. I was trying to. They scream, argue. Fight. Make up. Flirt. Eat.Cook. The end.
Acting: Catherine Zeta Jones can’t do dressed down and humble. Aaron Eckhart overacts. Badly
Photography: nil
Design: His hairdo is far more designer than any of the interiors.
Wardrobe: Boring black and berets. Nice coats. I see a Miu Miu bag.
Salon de Beaute: His use of  hair spray is the main cause of Climate Change. She has bad foundation, bad hair and too many hats.
Botox: You need to drink it. Eat it. Inject a double Dose. (Catherine Zeta Jones tries to frown. You will. For an hour and Half)
Waterproof Mascara: Apply lashings as you are sobbing over such a bad remake of a great film
Blood ‘n’ Guts: YES.  I could kill them both my mind drifted to shopping: From the opening scene to the final credits.
Smokin’ smooches: No smoke . No fire. No burning soufflé.
Car chases: I wish
Tag Line: Life isn’t always made to order ( Sometimes the best recipes are the ones you create yourself.)
Rename It: Tripe.
Best Review:There’s already a crazy behind-the-scenes restaurant movie out this summer, and it’s got a better story, and it’s a cartoon, and it stars a rat. Ratatouille. Washington Post
Best Worst Reviews: "Here is a romcom that has been developed on a Petri dish in some unspeakable secret department at the Porton Down biological warfare unit, designed to release a gaseous vapour into cinemas, rendering the civilian population immobile" .Guardian [UK] Watching it would have the exact same impact on you as not watching it." EricDSnider.com
See it or donate to the Prada Bag Fund:  Buy the bag. Then rent the DVD of Mostly Martha. You will adore watching both
www.noreservationsmovie.warnerbros.com (there are recipes here too)