The FiFi Report 165

Copying Beethoven…..directed by Agnieszka Holland
Based on: Nothing
Genre: Historical drama
Who: Ed Harris, Diane Kruger, Matthew Goode.
The Plot: 1824. Vienna. Brilliant, loony, bachelor Ludwig van Beethoven is going deaf. Which is lucky: he won’t be able to hear his own terrible American accent. Pretty model slash actress arrives to help him. Channels 21st century feminist. She wants to be a composer. Helps stinky old composer by writing out his music. He yells at her. She is feisty. He writes music. Goes a bit mad. So do you. Her boyfriend gets jealous. Beethoven conducts the Ninth Symphony with help of model slash actress. She wanders off into the sunrise in a field of flowers. The end
Acting: What’s with the American accents? Oh please. Diane Kruger has a classic transatlantic model drawl but her acting is not bad for a model slash actress. Ed Harris is not acting. He is just wearing a wig and vintage clothes and yells a lot in American. “Thank goodness for the music, for it is the only thing that can be heard above Harris’ embarrassing bellowing” says Sun Publications. “ Harris officially bites off more scenery than he can chew” says E! Online
Photography: rather beautiful
Design: There is not a piece of colour to be seen: rather like the Demeulemeester Winter show 06. It’s sepia and brown. Exquisite sets. Block your ears (ironic in a film about music) and just sit back to watch it.
Wardrobe: it’s very Dries Van Noten. ( without the colour)
Salon de Beaute: “Someday someone will make a great movie about an immortal composer, but for now the best movie about any Beethoven I’ve ever seen stars a Saint Bernard.” That’s a hairy dog….Ebert & Roeper. Diane Kruger seems to be wearing alot of Juicy tubes
Botox: Diane Kruger; Yes; Ed Harris; no. But he has had an eye job/ facelift. You need ten Botox shots to dull the pain of this movie
Waterproof Mascara: you will be crying over paying $15 for this.
Blood ’n’ Guts: So excruciating at times it hurts.
Mind drifted to shopping: When Ed harris was on screen ( 90% of the time)
Smokin’ smooches: I wish.
Car chases:. Please
Rename It: Die Hard ( Becoming Crazy)
Best Reviews; “ The movie is completely beguiling, and it delivers joy, the beautiful spark of the gods” .Washington Post
Best Worst Reviews: “ Knows as much about the creative process as Beethoven does about snowboarding.” Metromix.com
“…Tin-eared script and tone-deaf direction “New York Post“ Ed Harris plays Beethoven, but, with this material, maybe the producers should have turned to Ben Stiller.” WaffleMovies.com
“Da-da-da-dumb” .L.A. Weekly
“ Does Agnieszka Holland hate Beethoven? That’s the only explanation I can offer for this horrible, horrible attempt at making the maestro’s final year of life into a biopic.” filmcritic.com
See it or donate to the Prada Bag fund? Log onto Prada.com immediately. Music to your eyes and eyes…