The FiFi Report 130

The Da Vinci Code …..directed by Ron Howard
Who: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen, and Paul Bettany
Rating: disturbing images, violence, some nudity, thematic material, brief drug references and sexual content.
Awards: don’t think so.
The Plot: The Plot? In two lines? Impossible. Man found murdered in the Louvre. In the nude. Has self inflicted bloody scratches. Leaves strange messages scribbled on the floor. Forrest Gump appears with a daggy haircut and looks fat and bored. Tries to solve murder with Amelie. French Police chase them. Speak French. Subtitles in a Hollywood movie. Shock. Weirdo white albino priest tortures himself. Chases them too. Forrest and Amelie find Gandalf. He tries to explain the plot. With a power point presentation. Bishops and cardinals meet secretly. Weirdo Albino priest keeps torturing himself. Forrest Gump keeps looking fat and bored with a daggy haircut. Gandalf keeps trying to explain the plot. Or crack the code. More murders. More historical flashbacks. Repeat . Repeat. Then Amelie finds herself. The end.
Acting: Tom Hanks is asleep. Probably explains his bad hair. ‘It’s sad to see Hanks phoning it in’ Audrey is great but her English needs subtitles too. “Only McKellen divines that The Da Vinci Code is supposed to be fun, and his performance becomes an inside joke that leaves McKellen with a smile as enigmatic as the Mona Lisa’s.”
Photography: fantastic.
Set design: a snazzy chateau in France, cathedrals, churches. It’s a big Hollywood luscious block buster.
Salon de Beaute: Tom Hank haircut rates high on the dag richter scale. Audrey looks pretty and classic with a bob and red lipstick.
Wardrobe: Boring. So boring. What’s with the daggy shoes?
Snooze moment; lstening to historical plots and conspiracies, zzzzz
Mind drifted to Prada bag shopping when: they tried to explain the plot. Again.
Botox: Tom ! Get ye straight to the clinic.
Waterproof mascara: No need for reapplication either before for after.
Smooches: Nil by mouth.
Blood’n’guts: Weirdo Albino priest just loves it. Murders and conspiracies always involve blood.
Car Chases: Mais Oui.
Tomatometer rating: It gets a shocking 23% good reviews.
Best review: “There are moments when this film, like Tom Hanks’ hair, it laid there like a limp noodle. Is this film, at times, pretentious, overlong, and boring? God yes. But it’s also intriguing, suspenseful, and engrossing. I was sucked in.” ECLIPSE MAGAZINE
Best worst review: “ You know a movie’s a dud when even its self-flagellating albino killer monk isn’t any fun. ”
OR “The Catholic Church has nothing to fear from this film. It is not just tripe. It is self-evident, spirit-lowering tripe that could not conceivably cause a single member of the flock to turn aside from the faith.”, NEW YORKER
“ Bad enough to offend even an atheist.”
Best Line: “ we have to get to the Library …..fast!”
Rename it: Sleepless in Paris.
See it or donate to the Prada bag fund : So what if the book was impossibly stupid and badly written. This is a big, long, glossy, silly, beautifully shot movie. Expect nothing and be surprised. Shallow as shopping but just as much fun.
http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/thedavincicode/