• "I would never put my health at risk. Obviously, working out is important. Well, I don’t. What do you wear on the running machine? I can’t bring myself to wear flat shoes," The Fembot Vicky B Beckham to British Vogue. Runs on air.
• "To me, Botox is no more unusual than toothpaste. It works. You do it once a year – who cares?"- Simon Cowell, to the British edition of Glamour. Simon brushes his teeth once a year?
• "Demi starts her day with a venti half-caff, whole-milk, no-foam latte from Starbucks. Every single day. We could be in Antarctica and she would find that drink." - Ashton Kutcher explains one thing Demi can’t live without. Then brushes her teeth and injects botox?
• "It got to a point where whenever I heard the birds chirp, I’d be like, ‘Oh, God, no.’ It took me years after stopping the cocaine before I was able to enjoy a sunrise and enjoy the sound of birds." Valerie Bertinelli to Oprah. A Health risk.
• "God, people are bats**t. And im (sic) not the one who is. And i hear now i am ‘Bi Polar’ uhhhh…thats more nuts than I will ever be. I may be Eccentric, i certainly speak my mind and am slow to put out a record i need to mean the world to ME, and im sure i am quite Nuerotic (sic) but ‘Bi Polar’. Thats just slander. I shoot straight from the hip and spellcheck has Nothing to do with Reality." Courtney Love is definitively bi polar. She brushes her teeth with botox and injects toothpaste.
• "I’ve only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh’s Tomb." - Kate Beckinsale . Tomb Raiders.
• "I’m so happy. I can’t ask for anything more … except big boobs." Nicole Kidman, on her pregnancy. Her tomb has been raided.
• "Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can’t get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the States."– Jessica Alba, on French cuisine. In Hollywood there are no ham and cheese sandwiches. Just toothpaste for lunch.
• "She proceeds to pull a Ziploc bag of B-12 syringes out [of her purse] and says, ‘Drop ‘em.’ I don’t know what you say to that, so I immediately dropped my pants," Justin Timberlake on working with Madonna on her album. Madge offered JT a B-12 shot, toothpaste, botox and ham and cheese sandwich. Health risk.

I have one word to say to you. Black. It was all over the runways last week in Paris and Milan’s shows for next winter. So skip over the flowers and prints looming for next summer and start wearing next winter’s trends right now. Tip: if you are wearing Black make sure it’s shiny, textured or embellished. But wearing anything embellished on your legs can get tricky. That’s why you want textured or ribbed tights a la Prada and Balenciaga or black shiny leggings a la Burberry. Head to Cotton On for the cheap but chic version. Remember black patent leggings are like a spray tan; they can work wonders on the cellulite. Reason? You can’t eat before you wear them. And you can’t sit down easily either. Weight loss and Exercise while you walk around looking fabulous. How thoughtful.

Get Julia Roistein Roitfeld’s look: Cotton On black leggings $24.95.

What: Leather Biker jackets.
Why: Because they look equally great over a pretty soft dress or with a jeans and a Tee. Because they are more casual than a tailored jacket. Because they look hard and tough against soft knits and pretty tulip skirts. Because it’s a part of the 50’s retro look a la Gucci. Because you are a dag and a little slow and did not do as instructed in The FiFi Report last winter and race out to buy one when you were told to. Bless.
Which: Go for black or grey leather. You may even go for red. You want a shape that is sexy and feminine and curvy so you don’t look like a truckie or a bikie. You want to keep away from too many zips and studs. They can look cheap. Go for hidden zips and subtle hardware.
Wear: with over a pretty floral chiffon dress and opaque leggings. Wear with a grey knit and a tulip skirt. Wear over a stripe Tee and jeans (Thank you Natalie). Wear with a 50’s style full skirt and a simple top. Keep it feminine so you don’t look like you are still wearing your outfit from Mardi Gras.
Where: General Pants for a zip jacket in a faux-leather; Sportsgirl for a fab black jacket $299, Forever New for a chic grey jacket about $299; French connection for a cool black jacket $699. Try Witchery for a classic biker jacket with an asymmetrical front and silver zip or head to EDC Esprit for a great biker jacket with no obvious details or exposed zips about $599. Then try Scanlan and Theodore; Gucci, or Bally.
Photo from Elle.com

Best reasons for a manicure:

• You want to lie down.
• You want to give your fingers a rest (from pulling the black Amex repeatedly out of your wallet).
• You want to stop eating for an hour.
• You want to stop working for an hour.
• You want to tap the desk and make a noise.
• You want to buy something from YSL.
• You want to buy the YSL French manicure pen. So clever. Throw it in the Birkin and whip it out to give yourself a manicure any time. It’s a “pen with a precision nib which accurately draws the white tip of a French manicure and the pen-brush highlights the nails with a subtle veil of pastel pink colour. Perfect for instantly glamorous and glossy nails”. Just don’t write any cheques with it.

YSL French Manicure Pen $90 from Myer and David Jones.

• ‘On a Tuesday morning in late January, Shirley MacLaine is on her knees prepping a model for a Chanel fashion show. Given the spring 2008 couture schedule, one might have thought she was assisting Karl Lagerfeld at Paris’s Grand Palais. But in fact, MacLaine, clad in a tweed suit and a multitude of pearls, her signature red curls replaced with a brunette bob, is in Rome, playing Mademoiselle Chanel circa her 1954 comeback collection. The city’s famed Cinecittà Studios, used by Fellini and Scorsese, has been transformed into a retro rue Cambon for the original Lifetime program Coco Chanel. The two-part series, set to air in the fall, chronicles Chanel’s life, from her hard-knock beginnings in an orphanage to her glamorous rise, fall and eventual return as a fashion icon’ . Reports W magazine.
• ‘A young, female designer is back in the driver’s seat at Chloé. Hannah MacGibbon — who worked under Phoebe Philo for five years and helped set the brand’s winning hip-yet-girlish template — will succeed Paulo Melim Andersson as creative director. MacGibbon, 38, is expected to show her first collection for the house during Paris Fashion Week in October for the spring 2009 season. A striking, soft-spoken blonde with a penchant for breezy dresses and statement jewelry, MacGibbon worked under Philo from 2001 to 2006′. reports WWD.
• ‘Joe Zee’s arrival at Elle as creative director has ushered in a fresh look, while longtime creative head Gilles Bensimon’s involvement in the magazine has gradually subsided. But the April edition will issue in a major sea change — Bensimon, who has shot the covers for Elle for more than 20 years, did not shoot them for the April and May issues. In fact, Bensimon’s work is nowhere to be found in either issue. April’s cover with Natalie Portman was shot by Carter Smith, who worked with Zee at W and Vitals. Sources close to Elle say he may shoot a few more covers for the U.S. edition before his contract ends in December’. reports WWD.
• Check out the video report on style.com for winter 08 www.video.style.com
• Victoria Beckham is on the cover of UK Vogue (left)…
• ‘A month after Nicolas Sarkozy tied the knot with Carla Bruni, the French president’s ex-wife, Cecilia Ciganer-Albeniz, will wed Richard Attias this month in New York. And Donatella Versace will dress the bride’. reports WWD.
• "I’ve been around alcoholics all my life," said Tilda Swinton, wearing an Yves Saint Laurent smoking and swilling Champagne at the Paris premiere of "Julia". In the movie, she plays an alcoholic who loses it to the point of kidnapping a child for money" Reports WWD
• ‘Miu Miu will open its first London flagship at 150 New Bond Street, on the corner of Bruton Street, not far from the Stella McCartney and Matthew Williamson boutiques. The new store will open in the spring of 2010′.reports WWD
• ‘Rumor has it Miuccia Prada and Patrizio Bertelli are zeroing in on a gargantuan space in Milan to showcase Fondazione Prada’s collection of contemporary art. Architect Rem Koolhaas already is lined up to design the gallery’ reports WWD
• ‘Louis Vuitton’s blockbuster collaboration with Takashi Murakami continues to generate interest from bagaholics. Those who didn’t get to buy some of the special accessories at Murakami’s recent Los Angeles Museum of Contemporary Art retrospective will get a second chance next month, when the exhibit moves to the Brooklyn Museum on April 5. Vuitton is opening a store offering a mix of multicolor monogram handbags and small leather goods, as well as actual limited edition art canvasses with a new design by Murakami and Marc Jacobs called "Monogramouflage".’ reports WWD
• Watch the adorable model CoCo Rocha zoom around beautiful Paris during a night of Autumn/Winter ‘08 Fashion Week. See the Eiffel Tower, her Mom, and her cute driver. www.style.com
• "Alexandra von Furstenberg, who’s hosting a preview party for her new furniture line on Thursday at Ace Gallery in Beverly Hills, will not only have the support of socials but mother Marie Miller and sister Pia Getty are flying in from Machu Picchu and London, respectively. Absent will be sister Marie-Chantal, who’s busy packing up her London home for an extended visit to L.A., where she plans to give birth to her fifth child and possibly expand her children’s clothing business"

www.nytimes.com
Handsome, brainy, funny and he’s talking dirty. It’s the one and only George ( and I’m not talking Bush)

www.showstudio.com
Fabulous! See Nick Knight’s short film of his cover shoot of the FemBot Vicky B for UK Vogue.

• ‘Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have spotted recently wearing rings to let each other know they’re taken. Paris is rocking a "BM" ring because I guess Benji’s her little Bowel Movement. I don’t see what else it could mean. And Benji’s wearing a "PH" ring because, obviously, his Penis Hurts’..says The superficial.
• “Britney Spears, the ailing former pop mime artist, has taken out a restraining order on herself because she does not know what she is doing and has no control over herself anymore. Britney’s lawyers today were ordered by herself to put a restraining order on herself. Judge Al Mannington has agreed that Britney, who has no control of her finances or thought processes, should be restrained from being within 10 metres of herself. To date, Britney has put restraining orders on her mother, father, sisters, cousins, uncles, Sam Lutfink, Kevin Cheddarslime and her two kids”. Hilarious! Reports the satirical site Thedailysquib.
• Britney celebrates her restraining order on herself after leaving the court house yesterday (left).
• IMDB reports that "Sarah Jessica Parker narrowly escaped a soaking after a giant wave crashed onto the riverside set of a photo shoot for Vogue magazine. It wasn’t the first mishap to befall the photo shoot - Parker was being photographed by Leibovitz in New York last week when she tripped on red-carpeted stairs and fell over.

• Rachel Zoe: People Pay This Woman To Tell Them What To Wear …reports Jezebel
• “After winning a record £55 million from ‘chump’ Sir Paul McCartney, ex-porn model and the most hated person in the world, Lady Heather Mucca, is to escape Britain and live in Baghdad. The greedy stumptress is already planning her next marriage to the next sucker she can dupe, possibly a rich Arab” reports thedailysquib.
• Kate Hudson is officially not pregnant.
• Lisa Marie Presley officially is. ‘A British tabloid published photos of her and claimed her unhealthy diet was causing severe weight gain. An offspring of Elvis gaining weight in their later years? Would’ve thought?" says Thesuperfical.
• “Pete Doherty has been uncovered as a fraud. The pop singer, who has been masquerading as a drug addict and junkie, has been discovered to be hiding a terrible secret. On the outside Pete Doherty appears to be a crusty, smelly, drug-addled, talentless whiner with horrible teeth and greasy hair matted with oil and dandruff. With skin blemished with scars, acne, bruises from falling down and nostrils dotted with white specks of cocaine, Pete Doherty looks like a right royal mess. His arms are pockmarked with needle marks and his pallid flesh resembles an old man’s torso lying atop a cold hard mortuary slab. By looking at Pete Doherty’s druggy image the public would not be wrong in thinking that he only has two or three years left to live. This is where you are all wrong! For the past few years Peter Doherty has taken to donning a walloping amount of makeup each morning before he ventures from his so-called ‘drug den’.Makeup artist June Rimbaud has revealed that her job was to make Doherty look like a dishevelled junkie so that he could sell even more of his atrocious albums” reports the Daily Squib.
• George Clooney is definitely not marring his dumb girlfriend Sarah Larson.

Fashion Illustration for Fashion Designers (Hardcover) by Laird Borrelli
‘For anyone who loves fashion, this is a dream book: a vast collection of original sketches by 50 of the world’s most celebrated fashion designers. Style maven Laird Borrelli ( senior fashion editor at Style.com) has brought together 250 stunning sketches, designs, and concepts by a galaxy of prominent designers from every international fashion capital.  Christian Lacroix and Karl Lagerfeld join hot up-and-comers such as Roksanda Ilincic and Yoshikazu Yamagata in a magnificent gallery of distinctive signature illustration styles and unique creative thought processes”. Chic.
$26 www.amazon.com Publisher: Chronicle Books (March 5, 2008).

The Christmas List
The Complete Pirelli Calendars: 1964-2007 (Hardcover) by Edmondo Berselli ‘The extraordinary history of the Pirelli calendars began in 1963 when the Pirelli tire company created a calendar featuring pin-up models as a promotional piece to send to it’s top customers as a gift for the closing year. Every year since, the company has called upon world-renowned photographers such as Richard Avedon, Mario Testino, Herb Ritts, Bruce Weber, and Annie Leibovitz to photograph the world’s most beautiful women from Iman to Cindy Crawford, and Penelope Cruz. It has continued to generate publicity for its exclusivity; it is only available to a very privileged list of corporate customers and VIPs…
This book contains all the photographs of the calendars from 1964-2007, the never-published calendar of 1963, as well as intimate behind-the-scene photographs. Titilating!
$53 www.amazon.com Publisher: Rizzoli (March 11, 2008)

Off shopping for your winter wardrobe? Here’s the scoop: Get more mileage from your wardrobe by looking at next winter’s trends hot off the runways of Paris, Milan and New York. Style.com says "next Spring’s giddy exuberance has given way to a more austere Fall, with designers replacing bold colors and lavish floral prints with a restrained sensibility, but one that doesn’t sacrifice the luxe factor. In the mix: tailoring, both fluid (Nina Ricci) and strict (Givenchy); more L.B.D.’s than you can count; and fantastical dresses straight out of a fairy tale—we can dream, can’t we?" Next winter’s catch cry? Severe opulence.
Economy class
Cue:
Great buys here include a gorgeous white shirt that’s almost Comme de Garcons inspired with an symmetrical ruffled collar and doubled over with silver stud and big cuffs $139; and an A line black flecked short crop jacket $309. Love the multi coloured chiffon dress in brown chiffon with its own self belt $179. You want the grey rib short sleeve knit Tee $109. Tip: a rib is good to skim over cellulite. A grey knit Tee is the best basic you can have for winter and will work with everything. It’s not lazy. It’s trans seasonal and is happy sitting back with all that you own from black to colour to florals and stripes. Prada showed rib knit tops with big fairy floral skirts. It’s all about the mix. Tip: go for a round neckline in knits and run like crazy when you see a scoop neckline. They only look good on 10 yr olds or models. Love the fabulous variety of belts here at Cue and the very Burberry inspired patent bags. You want the grey sheath dress with a back zip and a cowl drape neckline $279 and the brown oatmeal sweater dress with a hood, perfect for weekends $89. And much more.
Sportsgirl:
It’s looking very vintage boho here and a little too casual weekend for my liking. I am not wanting to wear too many home knit sweaters. Maybe you do. And I am happy for you. Really I am. I’ll stick to Balenciaga, Marni and YSL inspired looks. ‘Inspired’ being the key to my credit card explosion. Best buys here are the jeans; great for about $89 (go for the high waist) and the fab long V neck fine knit cardigans $59. In the accessories checkout the fab Marni style bangles about $19 as reported in cheap but chic of the week; the beanies, and the cute long cream or stripe scarves $19. Love all the big rings. Check out the Marc Jacobs style 20’s cloche hat $29 and the dark denim trousers jeans. There is a rack of mad print 80’s vintage dresses but you need a fashion eye to pick through and find one that works for you. Or you will look like Kath Day Knight. (who is married to Kel). You may as well just go and get a perm.) Head over to instead to the sporty section with track pants, hoodies and Tees plus sporty bags. And we love sporty because it’s a modern look. And because Miu Miu’s collection for winter was inspired by it. And Prada is GOD.
Witchery:
It’s hot outside but we are desperate to wear winter clothes. Which is why you walk past the black quilted puffa jacket and you want it to be snowing $179. Perhaps you can buy the sleeveless vest version instead and wear it over a bikini. HOT. Love the dark denim slightly high waist jeans with a slight boot leg. Why? Because they hold in the peanut butter stomach and hike up your muffin bottom. Plus they are stretchy and very dark denim with no obvious stitching: chic $89. The grey cotton peacoat with puff shoulders, silver military buttons and a belt is chic. Puff shoulders have nothing to do with Puff daddy. Or P. Diddy either. A puff shoulder gives the illusion of a shoulder pad. Shoulder pads are coming back. Pick your self up off the floor and stop hyperventilating. This time around they are sharp and sexy and very YSL. They will make your waist look tiny. Hey come back! You need to keep reading The FiFi report then you can start shopping. Buy the dark navy silk tunic top with jewels across the top $159 and the cap sleeved, heavy knit jersey dress in black with a belt and slim fit $159. You want the school boy blazer (very Prada) in a taupe cotton with a black trim along the collar $179 and the black high waist pencil skirt. The shoes and bags are good: check out the black bag with silver hardware, very Miu Miu $269 and the black two handle tote with a gold outside zip $269. The art deco black clutches are great with a small diamante clasp. The shirt waister dresses are chic in cotton; a bit 50’s and button through with cap sleeve about $139.
Esprit:
Best buys here include the dark denim zip through collarless jacket ; it’s almost a safari or a long biker jacket but very slim $179 and the dark denim peacoat with white stitching and a belt $139. Please don’t wear them with jeans. You may look like a dag. This is not good. No FiFi subscribers will ever look daggy. Wear these jackets with a black skirt or a pretty floral chiffon dress, black opaques and serious shoes. (Tip: serious shoes work inversely. They may be serious but they make you happy). I see a few chic little trench coats here $189 which are double breasted, belted and have epaulettes. Go for stone or black, but watch it they are a little short. If you are then they will look good. If you are tall then keep walking. A trench should be just cover your but or sit on the knees. This is a rule. Any length in between is only for those with long skinny legs and fabulous shoes. Who wear nothing underneath. Love the double breasted choc brown coat dress with a belt and roll up sleeves $129 and of course the patent oversized bags are a fab buy for $100. I think I will buy one.

Business Class:
Veronika Maine:
So many great pieces this season; it’s all a bit arty and very Marni inspired. We are so happy about that. I love the grey sleeveless grey wool sheath dress: it has a slight tulip shape and a serious waist which means it can skim over those croissants sitting on your hips and thighs. It has pockets at the front and is chic de la chic. So chic I wore it on stage (presenting my style sessions last week) with a big wide black patent YSL inspired belt. Also I loved wearing the silver shimmery panelled A line skirt. It’s fabulous! The panels do amazing things and flatten the muffin top to extinction. Plus it’s so pretty back with a simple black top: and there are many black chic and interesting tops here. Also check out the black silk (almost navy) 3/4 top with a splattering of jewels across the empire line.; so chic with a taupe or black pencil skirt . Buy the silver grey bubble skirt cut in a patchwork style $179 and the beautiful V neck rib cardigan $129; so elegant and understated and would be divine over a white T and mans style slouchy pants. There are sheath dresses galore here and a sheath dress is The dress to wear now and straight through to winter, into next summer and back into winter. Now that’s called getting mileage out of your wardrobe.
Country Road:
So much to choose here. They have nailed the season and it’s all a t such great prices. New in: the long black patent gloves: fabulous $129 also in orange and tan. A must have for the season. Who cares if it’s too hot now. Who cares if it’s global warming. Who cares if you build up a sweat wearing them; think of the calories you can lose. Long gloves were all over the runways again for next, next winter (insert shot of Burberry and Lanvin here) and are such an easy way to inject a fashion edge into your wardrobe. Also in accessories buy the black patent clutch with a brown patent trim $99. Love the fingerless knit gloves in grey $59. The black high waist flat front trousers with a wide leg are so flattering. I should know. They should be your wardrobe staple about $129. Love the cream shell top with a black strip and beads down the centre $149 and the wet look Marni inspired Tee about $99. The parkas are cute in shiny black or cream. The black top with black jet beads are handy for work. The lilac blue silk dress hic with puff sleeves dress is great but you need to cinch in the waist $189. Buy the purple Marni style cotton Top which can add a little colour in the wardrobe $119. Love the chunky necklaces and the bags. Also go here for great sporty weekend track tops and hoodies.
Gary Castles:
Anyone looking for fabulous Tod’s inspired patent flats? Head here for a virtual copy of the real thing. There are fab black patent flats with a little tie front about $259 or buy the red patent loafers, the black patent loafers and some in a chic taupe. Also check out the wedges with a wooden stacked heel that are sling back with peep toes $279. The gold heels are cool too for about $299.
Morissey:
It’s looks great here and getting better and better. I love the black short sleeve trench- so very Prada - double breasted and belted. You can wear it as a dress over a pencil skirt if the length is too short; that’s what I do. Cover those knees. Then replace the belt on the trench with your own Bally stripe patent belt. Cinch in the waist, throw on the long gloves and it’s too chic! $399. Check out the grey anorak/ trench in silk, so right for now it’s trans seasonal. The grey knit square neck dress with a centre seam and short puff sleeves is great, $299 and so is the black taffeta collarless belted loose trench, in stone or black so very Prada, it has epaulettes and a round neck $449. Love the black tailored blazer in a shiny cotton, almost a tuxedo jacket $399. Very next winter YSL. Plus check out the dresses and the drape and glitter tops. Lovely.

First Class:
David Jones:
Go here for the best selection of designers bags outside of net a porter. But much more expensive.With the US dollar dropping by the day you will pay about $1000 more for a bag than you would on the USA Net a Porter or Blue Fly.com. $1500 is considered cheap for a designer bag. (I hope my father did not read that line). If that doesn’t worry you then head to David Jones for YSL! Jimmy Choo! Marc Jacobs! Chloe! Prada! Dolce Gabbana, and Zac Posen! That should bring a smile to your face. Tip: just go and touch and pat them if your share portfolio is looking like last season’s Mulberry (very distressed). I see a few Chloe ‘Bay’ bags, the best buy is the patent taupe $2400 with silver zips. In Marc Jacobs you want it all; the art deco shoulder bag in black divine $3500 (was it a new car or new bag?) and the quilted red Stam bag also in orange or purple. The Marc Jacobs mustard and green patent tote is chic $2400 and so is the black patent oversized clutch with big black jewels and the same in a shoulder bag version. The best pick from Zac Posen is the purple patent tote about $2900. There are a lot of Jimmy Choo Ramona bags, and some fab Mulberry bags too $2200. In YSL buy the black patent tote and the down town bag $2295 or the black patent Muse bag $2225. The red patent stand up two handle tote is gorgeous in a moc croc but at $2100 that is twice as much as what it was on Bluefly.com (where I spied one foor US$700) .
Bally:
It’s looking so great here and the new design director Brian Atwood is doing a fabulous job. The quality is superb and the fashion edge is really on trend. You want the orange patent Mary Janes, the orange patent tennis bag and the orange patent pumps. Love all the bags: choose the two handle totes in black patent with an outside brass zip and hardware; the also in white. The tan choc brown patent oversized bag is delicious. The black patent heels with a Hessian wedge and the white T bar with a Hessian wedge are both right for summer. Love the choc brown roman flat sandals with the gold hardware and ring details. Chic de la chic. My favourite? I need them (and I mean need); the black patent criss cross front sandals with a sling back and cone heel. Divine.
Burberry:
Adorable! I see new bags. I see many Japanese tourists crowding the store. I see a rack of the Burberry Prorsum collection to drool over. Please buy the black sleeveless drape dress with a black round neckline covered in small black beads, (Almost African Masai inspired) $2035; the Jade satin trench with gold buttons $4800 (who needs a house?) and the sensational and simple black tuxedo jacket $2900. You must have the simple stone trench with gold buttons $2300 and the black military safari jacket with a belt, so chic $1800. The black Tee with a sequin sleeve is adorable $700. The short black trench is about $1400. The bags are amazing with serious metal studs and hardware and need one tough chick to carry them. They are called warrior bags. It’s a battle out there.

Rich Chocolate Brownies… adulterated from Jill Dupleix

Jill Dupleix says "this is a full on hit of rich dense, gooey, pure choclate cooked in a slab. Cut into generous messy, fudgy square. The top will sink and crack and look like a disaster area. This is good."
You need for 40 models, 20 children, 10 teenagers and 2 gourmandes watching a romantic comedy late at night

250 gm bitter chocolate, chopped
175 gm butter
175 gm white sugar
3 eggs
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
100 gm walnuts, roughly chopped
100 gm plain flour
1 level teaspoon baking powder

• Turn on the oven to about 180ºC.
• Find any old cake tin that’s about 10" by 12". Think George on a good night.
• Head to fridge to find the chocolate and the butter.
• Ignore the wine.
• Close fridge door.
• I said ignore the wine. Put it back.
• Moisterise the cake tin with lashings of butter.
• Do not even start counting calories.
• Find a saucepan that wil fit inside another so you can melt the chocolate over simmering water.
• This is so easy. Just fill one saucepan with water then get it simmering.
• Break up the chocolate and eat a chunk to test it’s edible and throw it in another saucepan with the butter.
• Put the this saucepan of butter and chocolate on top of the other so it’s floating.
• Stir the chocolate and butter and taste it to make sure it’s Ok.
• Please take off pristine white Jil Sander dress before any finger licking.
• When the butter and the chocolate has melted let it have a little quiet time by itself and cool down.
• Chop up the walnuts roughly. They like it rough.
• Then find another bowl and toss in the eggs and sugar and beat them baby, beat them.
• They should be lovely and pale and creamy as Nicole Kidman.
• Fold the chocolate mix into the egg as gently as you would fold a beautiful Lanvin pleat dress.
• Sift the flour into the mix with the baking powder.
• Taste again to check it’s delicious. There are no calories in tasting. Scientific tests have proved it.
• Add walnuts and vanilla essence and fold it gently.
• Pour it all into the cake tin.
• Whack in the oven.
• Get out spoon, sit down and work your way through licking the bowl.
• Do not think of bikinis. Summer is nearly over.
• Let them cook for about 35 minutes; you want them gooey and soft like your thighs.
• Then cut them up and sprinkle with icing sugar. Think Chanel Couture show for the snow sprinkling inspiration.
• Eat. Pray. Love.