“Maybe I’ve not got the biggest penis in the world. Maybe if you had the biggest penis in the world, you would sell records. But I don’t. I could actually have the smallest penis in the world out there.” Enrique Inglesias on you guessed it: his penis and why he will never did a nude shoot (good reason).
“It’s the sort of thing I hope one day to show my grandchildren and say: “Look -Grannie’s tits once went north. When I look at it, all I can think is God, what huge feet I have.” Sophie Dahl on her big …feet in the Opium ad and why she went nude.
“I’m a sexaholic. I’m addicted to sex but I’m not a sex freak. I am a man with strong needs. It’s impossible for me to be in a relationship. At least while I’m still young.” R&B singer Usher on why he’ll be doing a nude shoot any day now.
“The G-string is last year’s thing. The thong is gone! The flossing has finished” Kylie Minogue on getting another dentist and no nudity.
“when we were all exposed to JANET’S HOOTERS a million children went blind that fateful night” Gawker on who did.
“I don’t want to look like I did when I was 22.” Julieanne Moore on not wanting plastic surgery and how she must have been very daggy at 22.
“She’s not going to grow up cussing and not knowing linguistics. She knows what a pronoun is. She’s popular. She’s one of the top three riders in LA County – her and Katherine Schwarzenegger.” Courtney Love on not learning her self too good English (the correct linguistics is ’she’ not ‘her’).
“Anytime she wasn’t out shooting her video” for the new single “Everytime,” Spears and Farrell were “up at the Beverly Hills Hotel,” a snitch tells Us Weekly about Britny and Colin (snitchy).
“He knows she’s very young, it’s just a fling. Colin is being careful not to let Britney get too attached to him.”(So kind of him most men would be the opposite).
“I thought I was far too bosomy and would look like I was applying for a part in some sort of porn film” Nigella Lawson on why her husband Charles Saatchi think she is finger licking good!.
“I certainly hoped ‘American Life’ would have been a bigger commercial hit, but there were also a series of circumstances at the time of the album’s release, like the war, that certainly contributed to sales being less than we might have hoped for.” Madonna publicist blames the war for bad singing.
Carson Kressley to Marjorie Gubelmann “are you the heiress to the “Google” fortune?”.

Sometimes there comes a time when you have to stop buying 18th century Italian chandeliers from Manning & Manning and have to try something else: something a little cheap but chic, modern, cleaner, lighter. OK I’ll say it: I’m talking paper. So head into China town to Shun Fai for the best selection ever of paper lanterns. Squish your way past all sorts of goodies like the Burberry wallets and Hello Kitty paraphernalia and you’ll find an amazing selection of lanterns in this tiny shop: round big ones $7, square big at $10, square small $5, teeny tiny about $5. Choose with clouds, patterns and in every colour ….its all here!

Chinese paper lanterns, Shun Fair 429 Sussex St, China Town. 9281 9991

The tweed/ladylike look was lurking around last season. This season it’s happening and on the runways for next winter it went ballistic. Need some clues wearing this look for winter? It has to be worn with irony. (Makes getting dressed in the morning easier now we’ve made that clear?) Same goes for the item du jour: the Chanel tweed jacket. Wear it with irony. Now how is that done you may ask?
1. Don’t be serious. Don’t wear it as a suit. Too 80’s Sloan ranger (crickey!)
2. Only models can do a matching tweed suit and only if the skirt is a mini.
3. It has to be worn with jeans.
4. Over a white T -shirt. Over a slogan T-shirt. Over a grey maille T
5. Or a white cuffed shirt and a cami.
6. Or black leggings tucked into boots
7. It has to be fitted and sexy and cropped. Not boxy. No square shapes or boxes allowed. At all. Ever.
So where can you get this jacket? Chanel of course! You want the too too divine black and white jacket with frayed tweed edges $4339 but if that means giving up drinking and eating for 2 years best go to inspired copies: Checkout Carla Zampatti $669, BB in David Jones $100ish, Portmans black and white one $229 or check out Emporio Armani for a biker tweed version $1200.

Who ever came up with the term laugh lines was obviously a very unhappy person and didn’t have any. Because they are not funny at all. Who can laugh when you see those things staring back at you? And lets face it they ain’t going nowhere unless you go somewhere (with white walls, a knife and the smell of disinfectant). I don’t want to end up on uglyplasticsurgery.com so what to do? Stop laughing, get serious and apply some of the fabulous Jurlique eye gel: A potent, herbal antioxidant gel that helps reduce puffiness and dark circles while protecting the delicate eye area, thereby diminishing the visible signs of aging. I love it how wrinkles are now called ‘visible signs of aging’. Mmm it’s not an eye cream but it does do something about those dark circles and puffiness and those um laugh lines…

Jurlique Eye Gel $98 (don’t frown)

Emap has suspended publication of The Face and the last issue will go on sale April 8.
The Museum of Fashion and Textiles Paris has the Elsa Schiaparelli exhibition running until Aug. 29.
Prince Charles is set to launch a line of organic hair care products. The collection is part of the Prince’s Duchy Originals organic food line and the first products are shampoo and conditioner.All profits will go to the his foundation.
Camilla Rutherford, the MTA (model turned actor) is the new face of Max Factor.
Calvin Klein has signed Hilary Swank for its new intimate apparel collection, Sensual Support, to be shot by Steven Meisel. “it offers superior fit and full support with no aesthetic compromise” (hate an aesthetic compromise!).
‘His Dark Materials’ the six-hour long stage adaptation of Philip Pullman’s best-selling trilogy of children’s novels has been playing a sold-out run at the London’s Royal National Theatre.
Condé Nast France has launched French Glamour (again).
The Paris Film Festival, which opens Monday, is honoring Karl Lagerfeld for his photographs of French movie stars. Glamour shots of Vanessa Paradis, Audrey Tautou, Fanny Ardant, Anna Mouglalis, Amira Casar line the Champs-Elysées to help announce the festival opening.from WWD
The French designer agnes b is having an exhibition at Les Abattoirs museum, opening April 9, and is showing her personal collection: one of Europe’s most wide-ranging and eclectic art collections, with some 900 important pieces of photography, sculpture, painting, installation and video, from artists including Brassai, Henri Cartier-Bresson, Martin Parr, Philippe Parreno, Alexander Calder, Tracey Emin, Walker Evans, Richard Prince and Gillian Wearing and
Saatchi Gallery’s in London has a show “New Blood — The Saatchi Collection.” The exhibition shows off the spoils of Charles Saatchi’s manic collecting over the past 18 months, and features known artists like Martin Kippenberger and Luc Tuymans and a lot of unknowns including Stella Vine, whose painting of Princess Diana in tears is making waves in London…WWD
Sotheby’s sale in aid of UNICEF was the brainchild of Liam Neeson who spent a year collecting donations from his Hollywood pals. Among the star items were Indiana Jones’ bullwhip but a birthday phone call from Michael Jackson was the evening’s least popular draw, receiving a top bid of only $1,000 ( see hollywoodcalling.com in zip zip.com).

http://www.Hollywoodcalling.com
Wonder where all those celebrities go when they’re not anymore? They join this website so you can pay to hear them deliver personal messages! You can have a real celebrity call you or a friend and also deliver a brief customized message written by you for US$29.95. These are not pre-recorded messages or voice impersonators: all calls made by live celebrities! (Mmm some look like they died long ago.) Check out celebs like Lou Ferrigno, Lorenzo Lamas, Brian “Kato” Kaelin, Christopher Atkins and yes there is out own Aussie Virginia Hey….. I’m Speechless.

http://www.adrenalin.com.au
If you feel life is sometimes like jumping out of the Concorde without a Gucci parachute (or any parachute) you will love this site offering adrenalin pumping adventure (and I don’t mean just going to Centrepoint) Here are all the most adventurous things you can ever do from Sea Kayaking to Marlin Fishing, from Scuba to Skydiving. But the one I want to do? The 5 day program in Moscow of VIP tours of the Gagarin Cosmonaut Training center in Star City Russia and the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan for about $8000… fly me to the moon

The report that Courtney love actually let a fan suckle her nipple outside a Wendy’s restaurant was only rumor…until now…go to http://www.popfeed.com and see a picture…OHMYGOD!! (Not for work viewing).
Dannii has blabbed that Kylie will secretly marry Olivier Martinez this June.Kylie popped the question herself (big mistake babe)
Sarah Jessica Parker is the new face of Lux soap.
Orlando Bloom may be the next James Bond.( Lord of the Babes?)
Monica Bellucci is pregnant with husband Vincent Cassel.
Andy Roddick has split with Mandy Moore.
Paris Hilton fell off her horse:she was wearing stilettos. No visible injuries to the horse.
Kate Winslet has the role of French wizard Fleur Delacour in the next Harry Potter.
Justin Timberlake is to make his first big movie. He’ll play a reporter in “Edison” with Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman.(no nude shoots?)
Ford Models has signed on Tilda Swinton the actress as well as publishing heiress Lydia Hearst-Shaw, who just shot 16 pages with Steven Meisel for Italian Vogue.
Gloria Gaynor will be belting out her songs Sunday night to Tom Ford and some 800 of his mostly famous pals when he’s honored at the Rodeo Drive Walk of Style (great! more quotes!)
The British Advertising Authority banned a print ad for Elle MacphersonIntimates earlier this month, after it ruled that the image could be construed as one of a model masturbating. (They’ve obviously never looked at Calvin Klein ads)
Whitney is just out of rehab.
Daryl Hannah was seen coming out of the men’s room at Morton’s with boyfriend Sean Macpherson. Alex Von Furstenberg and girlfriend Ally Kaye disappeared into the loo at the Hollywood ‘s Soho House. And Peter Beard had two lovelies in a powder room in LA. (who finds out all this rubbish?)
George Clooney is offering to wash cars wearing only a toga to raise money for his father’s election campaign to the House of Representatives in America (just pose nude George! Ching Ching)
Christina Aguilera is engaged to her boyfriend of 7 months Jordan Bratman.
Heath Ledger will be in a gay cowboy opposite Jake Gyllenhaal in an Ang Lee western. ( Queer boy for the straight cow?)

“Everything About Me Is Fake And I’m Perfect” by Janice Dickinson
You have to love the crazy ex supermodel Janice Dickinson because she is so out there. This is her next installment of her biography, which coincides nicely with her job being a judge on “America’s Next Top Model.” It doesn’t comes out till April so best hop into Angus & Robertson to get the first book:
No Lifeguard on Duty: The Accidental Life of the World’s First Supermodel
It came out in 2001 and is an hysterical read full of outrageous gossip and foul language (foul I tell you. foul) about Jack Nicholson, Mick Jagger, Warren Beatty, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone to name a few…her sex- and booze-soaked autobiography brings readers on a roller-coaster ride through the world of modeling, the emptiness of superficial relationships and the perils of drug addiction. Admitting that “terror is a great motivator,” and bolstered by Andy Warhol’s advice, “you make your own luck,” she ignored Calvin Klein’s comment, “models aren’t supposed to think.” (True. Just reread last week’s Report) and she became the first supermodel. Great read for the plane.

The Christmas List:
Among the Bohemians: Experiments in Living 1900-1939 by Virginia Nicholson
This is the early 20th century version of Janice Dickinson’s book! All about crazy bohemians but perhaps with a little more style and intelligence (sorry Janice). The granddaughter of painter Vanessa Bell and great-niece of Virginia Woolf writes about the experimental lifestyle of her grandparents’ generation. Subversive, eccentric and flamboyant, they all experimented and refashioned not just their art, but their daily lives. From Roy Campbell’s recipe for bouillabaisse to Iris Tree cutting off her braid and leaving it behind on a train, creativity entered every aspect of these people’s lives. Bohemians ate garlic and didn’t always bathe; they listened to Wagner and worshipped Diaghilev; they sent their children to coeducational schools, explored homosexuality and free love, vegetarianism and Postimpres-sionism. They were often drunk and broke, sometimes hungry, but they were of a rebellious spirit. Janice looks tame in comparison…!

Economy:
Witchery outlet store is closing down in Market city: Not much there but lots of a Helmut Lang copy black chiffon top with a racer back and knit rib edge (which I bought last year) $39. Also check out the CK Jeans outlet in Market City for a fab black and white tweed pea coat reduced from $599 to $400.
Witchery:Have done the Marc Jacobs silver sequin scarves (worn as a top) in black, green or pink $79, a snazzy cream slouch bag with a sequin front $129,and a black or camel quilted vest with high collar $149.You want the black fitted jacket with a great cut $299, cotton belted A line skirt $119, new flat pointy shoes with lacing along the edge $129, and for all the fatty boombahs who can’t find long boots to zip up over their muscly calves (like moi!) there are black leather pointy boots with an elastic back $250! And check out the Chanel Style heavy biker boots in cream or black $199. Sussan: has done a fab black peacoat $49. Esprit: has done a black leather blazer $499, a cable black or cream knit sweater $99, and brown tweed fringed raw edge skirt $89.95,and a cool striped knitted scarf in browns and greens $39.95. Cue: have wool Melton belted collarless jacket $400ish, a fab rib polo neck where the rib gets wider at the top: groovy at $139, a Gucci/Balenciaga style top: ruched and gathered with leather trim $106 and they have the best classic knits T-shirts in dark grey and other colours $89.95.Sportsgirl: Are having too much of an early Madonna moment: scary! But check out the wrap grey skirt $89, cute multi stripe Cacheral style sweater $89, tweed 40’s belted jacket $129 and I must repeat that the fake fur mink and leather J.Lo 70’s coat is very glamorous at $399 (outrageous) Seduce: checkout the light blue, black or soft green ruffle chiffon wrap top $159, you want the chic “Blue juice’ classic oatmeal thick rib sweater with buttons along the neck $79, Kookai: if you can’t do prints except in black and white Kookai have the best selection in all sorts of style: the best shape is a cami with rib knit waist $129.Sportscraft: have a chic black and white tweed collarless coat $399 and their red trench is great $299.

Business
Saba: Have really changed and have got some great things in: You want the Flocked black velvet twenties style V neck top $275, fab cream leather trench $1795, the Twenties floral dresses $345, a chic wool Melton cream peacoat $595 and here’s a great buy: a black wool camisole with a satin trim $95 (a better alternative to sexy lace during the day).A pink or brown leather jacket with wool rib waist $895, black wrap jersey dress $235,gold sequin shrug $295,and a chic Prada style V-neck rib sweater you wear with a shirt under $145. But how about the Lanvin copy of a gorgeous long black evening dress with chiffon inserts covered in embroidered diamantes and jewels? Quite divine with a low cross over back $595 Jigsaw: Check out the Tweed biker jacket with the knit inserts $349: subtle tweed pencil skirt $149, the tweed belted trench is a great buy: it will snazzy up any all black wardrobe or look fab thrown over floral dresses a la Prada.Yes you need a coat like this: $499.David Lawrence: have a cool choc brown suede skirt with stitched panels $299, a classic oatmeal chunky knit sweater $169,and lots of vests that Sloane Rangers love (and you might be one) in knit, nylon and quilted from $99, brown soft tweed belted coat with epaulettes is cool $329 and so is a gorgeous choc brown rib knit $89.CK Calvin Klein: Have an amazing black military fitted coat $739, a cool camel nylon anorak with faux fur trim $269 and a Men’s cream cable knit sweater $179.Country Road: have done a lovely cable knit polo sweater $169 in cream or grey and a groovy silver lurex top with cut out shoulders $159 and a fab choc brown suede A-line skirt with lacing up side $549.

First Class;
Prada: have even more new things in with some faaaabulous shoes and the postcard collection skirts and bags.Check out the choc brown mules with gold stud $620, the same in heels $670, the classic black sexy stilettos $660 and the flat black ballet shoes with tiny studs $560. You are desperate for the postcard print skirt $620 (cheap), divine camel cardigan with cute pockets $1090,tie dye skirt in brown and black $980,amazing camel tie dye dress with raw edges $2590, tie dye sweater $910 and an A line denim skirt $600, and the must have of the season Prada Sport denim shirt $380 (cheap). You must have the fabulous postcard print bag $1400 and a divine leather and nylon silver eyelet bag (the one everyone is copying) $1600. Buy the gorgeous tweed brown pull on hat $410 ( perfect for those weekends away!) and checkout their fab jewellery: chunky bead necklaces and get the leather key ring $170!Emporio Armani: Have a fabulous camel snakeskin (or croc?) handbag: a great buy $800!A groovy white leather drawstring bag $670, an Armani Jeans cream shearling jacket $980, a black leather blazer $1550, brown fake leather choc mini $450, cashmere sweater with press studs along the neck $750, red and black stripe T-shirt $260 and a long sleeve version $280, a white shirt $450 and a black cotton halter neck dress $390.Check out the best aviators sunglasses around in black or brown and some with metal rim $275.
Ralph Lauren: has a fab burgundy velvet blazer $1400, a classic trench $599 and 30% off in their Pitt St Mall store and you want the fab black quilted Doctors bag reduced to $1495.Chanel: have lots of fabulous spring summer pieces in. Gorgeous black doctors style bag $2277 a fabulous brown shoulder bag $2100.You want the Camel tweed skirt suit $5802 (a skirt suit is Ok if it’s Chanel) and the beautiful tweed fringed pastel fleck jacket $6077, the groovy tennis dress in cotton $1677 and the funky sporty Top $1200. The chic shoes are the satin and suede thongs $401, the white sneakers $690 and the choc and pink sling backs $775.Divine!

Salmon or lamb with eggplant, chickpeas and lemon.

It’s official. I am addicted to this recipe. And if you love chili, lemon and some chick peas I welcome you to FIFi’s food anonymous. Originally found in Vogue Entertaining I’ve adulterated this recipe and cut every corner to make it quick after a hard days shopping. (They’re will be none of that soaking chickpeas and cooking it in lemons for 11/2 hours thank you very much)
A perfect little dish to whip up now the weather is getting a little Autumny…

·Serves 4
·2 cans of chickpeas
·2 med onions chopped
·6 garlics (bring it on!!)
·1 large lemon
·1 eggplant or 1 each person of the cute little ones, chopped into bite size cubes (big bites).
·Salt et poivre and olive oil.
·A lemon quarter from your own jar of preserved lemons.
·1 teasp of chili flakes, cumin and dried oregano.
·Chuck in a handful of fresh fabulous lemon thyme that you’ve got on the window ledge.
·Go and buy some lemon thyme you HAVE to have it …makes all the difference.
·Go and buy the preserved lemons (Maggie Beer does them) because you HAVE to have it..makes all the difference.
·Bunch of rocket.
·1 Salmon steaks per person or lamb fillet or chicken breast whatever take your fancy.

Roughly chop onion and garlic (they like it rough!
·Heat olive oil in saucepan and cook them till soft not brown (Stop it I like it).
·This is the bit in the recipe I like: now throw in everything else and cook.
I.e. cook the eggplant, chili, cumin, oregano, thyme and lemon S & P over a low heat till the eggplant starts to soften and is, um cooked. (About 15 mins).
·You might need to add some more Olive oil to keep it moist.
·Pour yourself another wine, keeping stirring and smell those herbs wafting around the kitchen …
·Toss in the chickpeas, stir through and then throw in some rocket.
·Take off the heat while you get your trusty assistant to grill/BBQ/cook up the fish/salmon or lamb fillets.
·Serve with the chickpeas and eggplant tossed casually on the platter and with the salmon nonchalantly thrown on top….
·Too chic. Too yummy. Too easy.

The Butterfly Effect
Maybe it was the wine. Or was it we were too late for Girl with a Pearl Earring? But somehow we ended up in The Butterfly Effect, a movie that makes Dumber and Dumber look brainier and brainier. It’s about a guy Evan (Ashton Kutcher) who has blackouts and memory loss and finds out he can go back in time and change things for the better. Somehow the unintelligible plot is supposed to be linked to The Butterfly affect in The Chaos Theory .Mmm this movie was just chaos. It was so bad you don’t see Ashton Kutcher for half an hour into the movie (the reason we were there). And that was the good bit. So bad it made Dumber and Dumber look like A Room with a View. So bad it had awful repulsive scenes of violence: a dog squirming in a flaming bag, a baby about to be blown up and 2 naked children standing before a video camera …that’s when we walked out. The New York times said ”The Butterfly Effect is inhabited by a genuine spirit of cruelty, both toward its characters and its audience and includes several scenes of graphic violence, many directed against children and animals. The complicated plot spins wildly out of the control and begins producing unintentional laughs when Evan wakes up to find himself the newest and prettiest resident of a prison full of predatory neo-Nazi homosexuals.” Oh Please. If I could go back and change things like in The Butterfly Effect I would have spent my $10 on dry-cleaning my Gucci wallet.

“Fifi Report 30 – absolutely brilliant!!! Loved it – fantastic! About time someone who can actually write – and write so well has been able to share their thoughts with the rest of us – such a pleasure and so much fun to read!
Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!”
“you’re not a pariah. surely you are the greatest shopping messiah”.
“Stop it!! Keep getting SOOOO distracted by all that gossip; can’t get ANY work done on Fridays!! Keep up the good work, we love it”.
“I’m dying for my weekly fix of Fifi.Thank you thank you for feeding the habit.
“you are just too crazy 2 crazy too2 craizzee girl..get syndicated and move along the lower edge of the tv set 24 hours a day -my fav is living in a fatty boombah world”.
“Maarvelous!#30 was another juicy one.”
“Look foward to my weekly candy with bated breath!”.